The 6 differences you didn’t know between nEGOtiation andmindful negotiation that likely cost your organization money. YOUR PROPOSAL IS A WIN FOR YOU AND A LOSE FOR THEM

Locking Horns by Karolina Adams: https://karolinaadams.com/

This is the 5th part of 8. In our last blog, we explored the notion of being in a meeting where the conversation was all about you. Today we will uncover the 3rd difference between nEGOtiation and mindful negotiation.

NEGOtiators are quick to make the first proposal. Proposing first usually conveys a desire to establish power or to gain dominance over the other side. It also anchors our numbers, terms, and conditions rather than theirs. This supports the nEGOtiators' desire to win by positioning them in control of the negotiation and pre-frames the other side to follow their lead.

The quicker they are delivering their proposal, the more they are using an aggressive style of negotiation. This is especially true when the proposal has been designed and prepared before meeting with the other party.

NEGOtiators create proposals that are a win for them with rarely anything for the other party. A win for the nEGOtiator, lose for the other side.

Do you see a trend here? NEGOtiators don't think about the other side and what they really want. It starts during the preparation (if they set time aside to prepare), it continues in the meeting where nEGOTIATORS do all the talking about themselves, their company. It concludes by offering a proposal that clearly is a win for them without anything interesting for the other party… because nEGOtiators don't care about the other side. They only care about themselves.

As I mentioned in the first part of this series, nEGOtiation for our ego awakens our survival instincts because of perceived threats. Survival is about eating vs. being eaten. Ego is about winning and demonstrating power over the other side. It's not like nEGOtiators are fully conscious and aware of this perception. It's just an instinctive reaction that is ego-driven.

Even nEGOtiators who are unsure about their power and focus more on managing and maintaining the relationship than the business outcome rarely deliver proposals that have something interesting for the other party. For the same reason, despite focusing on the relationship, their ego instinct is also kicking in to win their proposal.

Now, what if the other side is also a nEGOtiator? How do you think they will react to a proposal that clearly has no value for them? Emotions are present: anger, resentment, lack of respect, aggressiveness, impatience, etc. Their ego kicks in, as it perceives that proposal as a threat, the stress level is through the roof, and the receiving party is now in fight, flight, or freeze mode, which is highly emotional with a sense of lack of control.

 Are they coming with their own one-sided proposal as well?

Are they pushing back on the proposal?

Whatever happens next is purely an instinctual emotional response. NEGOtiators don't plan on how to manage their emotional responses. Both sides find themselves in a highly volatile environment which is not conducive to reaching an agreement.

Imagine now receiving a proposal from a nEGOtiator that has nothing in it for you.

What does the likelihood of you agree with it?

How would you feel in that situation?

Last year one of my clients wanted to negotiate with me. She was new in her procurement role, and here was her email negotiation:

She wanted to reduce the training investment fee by 50%.

She tried to remove the cancellation clause to cancel the workshop up to the Friday before.

She wanted to train 14 people (our classes for 12 participants maximum).

She didn't want to commit to an advance deposit to reserve her date.

She concluded by saying that if I didn't agree with everything, her company would never do business with me again!

I came up with my own mindfulness model in my book Mindful NEGOtiation to help people be aware of their ego, so I'm pretty well-versed in using it. However, I have to say that when I started reading her email and went through the first part of her demand, I felt a reaction in my body and began to feel angry. When I read the third line, I felt my jaw tightening. Then when I read her final line with the threat built-in, I was really triggered. I was ready to fire back a nasty email (which I didn't) telling her that her approach was not negotiation. It is about making unilateral demands.

Clearly, that proposal has nothing for my organization and me. I could have let my ego respond, and most likely, it would have exacerbated the situation and lead to an impasse.

As you read this blog, you might feel more aware of your own emotions, but in the moment, receiving such a proposal, you would likely have had an emotional reaction as well.

Let's stop for a moment and put aside our desire to win. How do we expect to negotiate with someone, making the negotiation all about ourselves and expect them to say yes? 

The response resides with our unconscious: it's about survival and demonstrating our power over someone else. My client was trying to prove herself as she stepped into her new role. She wanted to impress her boss.

Mindful negotiators take the time to understand where the other party is coming from and deliver a proposal that offers value for both parties. Choosing this approach reduces the negotiation process overall time, manages and protects the relationship, and last but not least, builds trust and demonstrates that you care about the other side.

PS: I didn't reply in an email to my customer that made unilateral demands. I mindfully picked up the phone and asked her about her objective with the workshop, how she arrived at a 50% discount (no response), and her concern about the cancellation clause (no real justification). I shared with her nicely that it looked like everything on her list was about her, and that very likely, I wouldn't be able to get internal approval if it was one-sided.

Finally, I shared with her that her commercial stakeholder would likely appreciate that in the workshop, we will help her team to take control of a similar situation where their customers make unilateral demands like that.

There was a silence on the line. Clearly, she needed me to concede to help her save face, which I did, but the agreement wasn't one-sided anymore.  

If you want to build trust, reduce the negotiation process, it’s recommended to design proposals that deliver value for both sides.

In this blog, we discussed one characteristic of nEGOtiation: your proposal is a win for you, and a lose for them. In the next blog, we will cover the 4th difference between nEGOtiation and mindful negotiation: Your proposal is rejected, then what?

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