The 6 differences you didn’t know between nEGOtiation and mindful negotiation that likely cost your organization money.GOING STRAIGHT TO YOUR LIMIT
I started strong and now I’m down here watered down and drained by Karolina Adams: https://karolinaadams.com/
The Mastery Series.
This is the seventh part of 8, until September 21st, when my book Mindful nEGOtiation is officially released.
We are exploring the 6 differences you didn’t know between nEGOtiation and mindful negotiation that is likely costing your organization money. So far, we explored the intricacies of the first 4 differences between nEGOtiation and mindful negotiation: Preparation, In the meeting, it’s all about you, your proposal is a win for you and a lose for them, and your proposal is rejected, then what?
Today we will dig into the 5th difference between nEGOtiation and mindful negotiation: Going straight to your limit.
Why getting a deal could be the worst-case scenario for your company?
It dawned on me lately that when the other party’s proposal or counterproposal is farther away than what they are prepared to do, nEGOtiators who don’t feel they have power tend to go straight or beyond their limit. Why is that?
I observed and coached thousands of nEGOtiators in my career. The majority of them don’t enjoy nEGOtiation and struggle through the process. They don’t feel in control. As soon as they face rejection or receive a demand higher or lower than they can do, it’s like their survival is at stake, and they want to end the threat that represents the negotiation as soon as possible. Their objective is to get a deal at all costs, no matter what it looks like. So, to get a deal, they will likely choose the path of least resistance which is to offer the most concessions.
People celebrate being able to seal an agreement as if it was their most significant accomplishment ever. When I asked what led them to choose to go straight to their limit, or worst, past their limit, most of the time, nEGOtiators tell me that the other side’s offer was more extreme than what they were prepared to do; therefore, they didn’t feel like they had any other choice.
Our ego hates rejection mainly because it points out things we didn’t do well. When the other side rejects our proposal, our ego takes it as a personal rejection. Being told it’s wrong or it made a mistake is a nuclear-level threat to the ego. When the other side goes beyond what we can do, our ego feels threatened, and the emotions hijack our ability to be in control. We connect with fear, and we do everything we can to avoid being rejected even more.
When the other party rejects our proposal and comes up with one of their own, likely their ego is in control. They don’t feel respected. They’re defensive, angry, scared, contemptuous, or frustrated. As mentioned before, when our ego is in control, we don’t feel like we have options. We can’t be flexible to hear the other point of view.
For most nEGOtiators, when the other side lets their ego control them, it triggers our ego, and we find ourselves swimming in fear. Fear of upsetting the other person even more. Fear of not getting a deal, including our inner critic working hard to make us feel shameful with the possibility of failure (not reaching an agreement) that would need to be communicated to our internal stakeholders.
Fear on our side, combined with greed on the other side, is an explosive emotional cocktail that leads us to believe that we have no other choices. Experiencing that volatile emotion prevents us from thinking on our feet. It also creates an environment where trust doesn’t exist, and we see the other side as the enemy.
When I asked nEGOtiators what element made them decide to go straight or beyond their limit, most of the time, the answer was “I didn’t have a choice.”
“How do you know that?” is always my first question as I want to understand their perspective.
I had to do it because I would have lost the deal.
Because their offer was lower (or higher) than I could do, closing at my limit was the least acceptable for them.
They were threatening to walk away
I couldn’t come back to my office without a deal.
As a coach, I connect with empathy and acknowledge that all the responses make sense from their point of view. However, they are all excuses to justify their ego-driven behavior. If nEGOtiators believe their excuses are the truth, unfortunately, they are at risk of reacting the same way next time they meet resistance or rejection during a nEGOtiation.
The first element to be mindful of here is that the other side is unaware of our limits. Our ego acts as if the other side knew precisely how far we could go, which they don’t. Our ability to close the deal is unrelated to whether we reached our limit or went beyond it. It’s happening because we are firm with the other party and let them know that we can’t do more. We can take smaller steps before reaching our limit and still be assertive.
Mindful negotiators understand that when a proposal is rejected, they are facing a NO. For nEGOtiators, NO is the end of the negotiation, as fear takes over. For mindful negotiators, NO is an invitation to be curious and understand their point of view.
Understanding the reason behind the NO will help negotiators find what is missing. Maybe they weren’t as straightforward as they thought about their intent or the elements. Maybe they weren’t flexible enough. Perhaps they didn’t uncover the other party’s real motivations or constraints.
Mindful negotiators understand that when they hear a NO, they need to understand what is behind the NO as their next step and bring creativity to the table to find a solution.
Maybe we need to bring more variables to the table
Perhaps there are other ways to get to an agreement
Maybe we can co-create a solution that delivers value for both of us.
NEGOtiators struggle with this concept as it’s almost impossible to be creative when swimming in fear. It is challenging to consider the other party’s point of view when our ego feels threatened.
When you debrief with nEGOtiators, they might tell you that they didn’t have any other choice as they were paralyzed by fear, shame, or self-judgment. It’s imperative to help them learn from this experience as they are likely to demonstrate the same behavior in the future. Unfortunately, they also teach the other party to behave the same way they did and expect to win the nEGOtiation.
We have covered so far 5 elements of the nEGOtiation process. Next Tuesday, we will explore the 6th and final difference between nEGOtiations and mindful negotiation.