Why mindfulness is so powerful and what it can do for you!

Illustration by Karolina Adams https://karolinaadams.com

Last week, during a conversation with my wife around a co-worker’s behavior, she said:

"you say that you're not on the defensive, but you are pushing back pretty hard”

"that's not true," I quickly replied.

"yes, it is," she added. 

"no it's not," now arguing with her.

"You should look at your body language. Your arms are crossed, and your eyebrows are up to the top of your head," mimicking me and smiling. 

I laughed out loud, picturing my eyebrows on the top of my head.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone told you something about your response, intent, or unconscious reaction, and they were exactly right while your first reaction was to deny it?

Those that we communicate with are in a unique position to see us in a much more accurate way, than we see ourselves. The reason for that is their ability to observe the situation from a detached perspective.

We are constantly triggered in life; we react unconsciously, and we find ourselves controlled by our emotions. 

Someone doesn't do what she said she will do: we are disappointed or frustrated.

We work hard, and we don't get recognized: we are hurt.

We fear what could happen in the future.

We want to prove ourselves to others because we rely on their opinion to gauge our self-worth.

We cannot observe ourselves from a detached position because our emotions are controlling us. They are for the most part, generated from our ego. The ego is our learned personality that developed during early childhood. It is an instinctual structure that uses the past to dictate how we react today and how we will react to future events.

When someone observes us and can pinpoint what is going on inside us, we are quick to deny it as if taking a moment and acknowledging it would change how the person sees us. Our ego doesn't like to be in the spotlight.

Observing that we are angry, afraid of being judged, need to control doesn't take anything away from us. Observing what is going on inside us slows down the time to bring to our awareness unconscious behaviors, reactions, or emotions.

As I mentioned earlier, the ego is our learned personality, and mindfulness is the most powerful tool to understand that our little voice in our head keeps us prisoner of that learned personality.

If we can observe an emotion, therefore, we are not that emotion. We can't be part of the experience and be a detached observer at the same time. Mindfulness provides us an opportunity to observe what is going on inside of us and shed light on our unconscious behaviors, reactivity. It creates space allowing us to realize and understand that we don't have to be controlled by our emotions, that we can decide to change our perspective toward that emotion. Observing what is going on allows us to not react to the emotion, to the trigger. It helps us realize that when we are mindful, we are not under the control of our ego, therefore opening the door to a different being without our ego's influence.

Being mindful and admitting to my wife that I was actually on the defensive doesn't change how she loves me. It's my ego telling me to be in fear that she will love me less. I was projecting my fear on her. My little voice didn't want me to admit that I was actually observing that I was on the defensive. Observing that I was defensive is acknowledging that I'm not better than anybody else for my ego.

Mindfulness allowed me to be in the moment without the influence of the past. It allows me to observe the same event from a different perspective, a fresher one.

Mindfulness works all the time regardless of the situation or the trigger. When we are mindful, our ego is muted. When our ego is quieted, we can be curious around it.

So next time you are triggered by someone or something, you react unconsciously, or you hear your little voice comparing you with others, be mindful and explore what is going on when your little voice is muted.

Thanks for reading!

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