The 6 differences you didn’t know between nEGOtiation and mindful negotiation that likely cost your organization money. Introduction

We all have our mountain to climb - Karolina Adams

Illustration by Karolina Adams https://karolinaadams.com

Over the course of the next 3.5 weeks, we will explore the 6 differences you didn’t know between nEGOtiation and mindful negotiation that is likely costing your organization money. In the next blog, we will discuss what mindfulness is but for now, let’s start with an introduction around the definition and impact of nEGOtiation

 By reading this post, you have already taken the first step in taking back control of your life in nEGOtiation situations. Let me explain.

Most of us believe that when we negotiate, it is easy to be and stay in control, improvise and pivot in the moment. Negotiation looks easy from the outside… until we must do it ourselves. Suddenly, we feel unprepared, stressed, out of control, and unable to slow down time to gain clarity.

Just ask someone that is currently negotiating or who recently finished a negotiation if they felt in control or it went as planned. They will likely tell you that it didn’t go as planned, that they were stressed and unable to stop the carpet from being pulled from under their feet.

How can an intelligent, talented, and skilled person, go from confident and competent to uncontrolled and totally freaked out in only a few moments of a negotiation meeting?

What is really happening is that we are dealing with something none of our intellect, talent, or skill has prepared us for: emotions.

We are afraid of upsetting the other party. We are scared of speaking up about what we need or afraid of delivering bad news (we can’t agree to their price request, we can’t deliver on time, we have to give them a price increase, etc.). Our bonus is on the line, and we feel pressure to make it happen. We are insecure about our own sense of incompetence. We feel judged by our boss. Maybe we want to lash out at the people across the table - or perhaps we want to run away, freeze, or even back down entirely.

None of these emotions are new. We have felt them before. But most of the time, as we go about work, we don’t have to face them. To succeed in business, we are told to rationalize everything, to numb our emotions. The theory behind this is when we cut ourselves off from emotions, work becomes easier to navigate, strategies are quicker to plan, and deals are more comfortable to negotiate. Therefore, we can focus on our intellect, talent, skills, and training, and that’s enough.

But negotiation is different. When we negotiate, all our emotions come out of hiding at once. The likelihood that we’ll have to confront emotion during negotiation is almost 100%. Suddenly, the logical structure can’t support the negotiation anymore. Emotions are now in control on both sides. This means that very likely, the negotiation is now out of control.

When emotions control us, we are stressed and lose our ability to see clearly. We are not rational. We make bad decisions, and we can’t hear the other person. We feel out of control without any other choice than to react. If you have been through a divorce or have witnessed people going through it, you’ll notice that what makes sense or what seems to be logical for one party is totally unacceptable for the other side.

When the first humans evolved, their primary instinct was to survive. This unconscious survival instinct called ego was very helpful in developing a strong sense of self-preservation, and self-interest when eating or being eaten was the primary focus. Nowadays, the ego is still useful when we face a life-threatening situation or a health crisis. The problem is that our ego comes from the oldest portion of our brain, which first evolved when all of human existence was fight or flight and eat or be eaten.

In today’s world, we are bombarded with demands and expectations of the highest-level performance. We find ourselves continually managing conflicts with ourselves and others. And periodically, we end up at a negotiation table. None of these scenarios are life-threatening, yet our ego interprets these daily situations as threats and instinctively puts us into a state of high alert- often without us even being aware of it.

The majority of our emotions are ego-driven. Our ego registers an external event that makes it feel threatened, excited, or otherwise agitated. Then it tells us that we are threatened, excited, or nervous. And because it uses our mind to do it (and speaks in the first person), we become threatened or excited, and your mind and body react accordingly.

In nEGOtiation, or when we want to influence others, our ego sees that as a potential threat or way to eat vs. being eaten. Our ego wants us to win, to demonstrate that we are the best, to prove that we are right, that we have power over other people in a way that we can control them.

From that perspective, nEGOtiation is ego-driven, which means that we find ourselves in situations or unconsciously reacting to our emotions, lacking control.

Therefore, negotiation fails for so many, so often. Way too many people negotiate poorly because they fall victim to their own emotions and don’t know how to. Worst of all, these people - people like you and me - may not even be aware of the problem.

This is also why we don’t learn from our mistakes and repeat them. Our ego is telling us to forget about the last negotiation because it felt like a threat. As we unconsciously pushed away from this ego-threatening situation, we don’t take the time to learn from our mistakes or elements that derailed our sense of control. As the next negotiation presents itself, we repeat the same story: we want to win and control people. Our ego tells us that we got this, that we don’t need to prepare, and that we can manage our emotions in the moment. This quickly becomes a vicious circle.

So, what’s the solution? How can you take back control?

The solution is to handle your emotions before they get a chance to take over. The only way to avoid being controlled by our emotions during the negotiation process is to be present and mindful.

Being mindful will help us be aware of feelings and emotions (ours and the other person’s) to avoid becoming their victim.

Imagine being fully aware of each feeling as it arises, recognizing that it’s not in control of you or of the situation, and becoming an observer of that emotion instead of a victim of it. Imagine walking into a meeting where you know you have to turn down an offer, not with a sense of panic, stress, and shame…but with the calm assurance that even though things aren’t great, you can still have a positive, healthy interchange and find a deal both sides can work with. How much better would that feel? How much more comfortable would you be negotiating in the future? How much more likely is it that those negotiations would go well for you?

Now that you are familiar with the concept of nEGOtiation and ego, next Tuesday we will explore what is mindfulness and how it’s impacting nEGOtiation.